Paul Haeder, Author

writing, interviews, editing, blogging

Misogyny, the power dynamic, the roots of a male bully, the pure hatred of a wife or intimate partner, all of the baggage of men in this society playing the macho game, play into death!

“If I die, I don’t want other women to suffer what I am suffering. I want them to be listened to.” — Maria Teresa Macias (source)

Maria Teresa Macias

My friend’s about to get put through one wringer after another wringer. After four years of torment, the yo-yo of leaving the abusive husband, even for months, but coming back, she finally had that breaking point: she was almost suffocated to death by this husband, this murderer-want-to-be.

Months have passed since the guy ended up busted in jail, indicted too, but there is no plea deal, and the trial starts soon.

My friend comes from a family that is not into the nefarious side of things, and the ugly, cheating, conniving American landscape is not their everyday life. The people in their lives apparently are not psycho-sociopaths, narcissists, violent ideation freaks.

Throughout the six months leading up to the criminal trial — she feels that SHE is the one on trial — she has covered much territory on her own feelings and what others have to say. Some stupid, uncaring and uninitiated crap coming from the mouths of not just people who know what happened, so called laypersons, but also from people in the judicial system, just add to the crime of stupidity of the masses and the dum-downing of the culture and hidden misogony.

She’s on a one-two punching out of this hell fight by sticking with the criminal case and filing for divorce and sticking that one out, too. There are no guarantees he will end up in prison, and the divorce in Oregon is tricky. You can’t bring up what he did to her for five years in a divorce case.

The law in Anglo Saxon USA is busted, fucked up.

Time, money, restraining orders, her own anxiety, her luck getting a decent counselor and the various levels of pure stupidity and hellish thinking bombarding her to the question of why she stayed with him the first, second, I don’t know how many more times she actually left him (and returned), this plays are hard hand on emotions.

She’s from Canada, and she ended up meeting this pig of a human in a Central American country. She had it made, having been in this country for several years, and opening up her little cafe which was the toast of the town among ex-pats.

“I wasn’t looking for anyone to get serious with, or even date.”

This is how these monsters work the playing field — they prey on the perfect mark.

From 1980 to 2008, nearly 1 out of 5 murder victims were killed by an intimate partner (Cooper & Smith, 2011). In fact, available research shows that women are more likely to be killed by an intimate partner (husband, boyfriend, same-sex partner, or ex) than by anyone else (Catalano, 2013Violence Policy Center, 2015). Approximately 2 out of 5 female murder victims are killed by an intimate partner (Cooper & Smith, 2011). In 2013, fifteen (15) times as many females were murdered by a male they knew than were killed by male strangers. For victims who knew their offenders, 62% were wives, common-law wives, ex-wives, or girlfriends of the offenders (Violence Policy Center, 2015). (source)

She knows now what she was dealing with then, but those red flags are not always in your face. She now sees there were dozens of red flags with this guy. That reality gets her down, suicidal, and at times, she just wants to flee.

Freeze, fight, flight.

Abusive Red Flags Everyone Should Know

Want some red banners flapping in the storm sky? These may include one or more of the following:

  • A hatred of or hostility toward women. An entrenched culture of misogyny can manifest in some individuals as social exclusion, adherence to gender roles, sex discrimination, hostility, patriarchy, male privilege, belittling of women, disenfranchisement of women, violence against women and sexual objectification, and is thought to be one of the supporting factors for partner abuse to continue.
  • Cruelty toward animalsAn abuser may use harsh punishments or completely neglect pets or other animals they encounter, or put them at unnecessary levels of risk such as leaving a dog tied up with no shade or water. 
  • JealousyThis often comes under the guise of caring so much about their partner, before morphing into a more stalking nature—asking who you’re with, where you’re going, etc.
  • A controlling nature. Again, abusers will say this is in concern for your well-being. But soon, it can escalate into telling you what you are allowed and not allowed to do. 
  • Inability to admit fault, take blame. This also looks like blame-shifting. Everything is someone else’s fault or the blame is constantly shifted to a partner. Abusers often think the world is against them and they are a victim of their circumstances. 
  • Desperation to move the relationship quickly. If a new partner confesses their love for you after the second date, asks you to move in together after a week, uses words like “soulmate” or says they’ve never met anyone like you or that you were meant for each other, this can be a red flag. Abusers often want to isolate victims or make them emotionally dependent on them as quickly as possible.
  • Hypersensitivity. Many abusers get easily upset over any inconvenience or personal slight. Something as minor as a partner suggesting a different restaurant for dinner can be made out by an abuser as an attack on them. 

The guy is a product of his sadistic and stupid father who beat him and fed him and his brother alcohol young. Daddy was some macho pilot, Top Gun fool of a military flight jockey, Vietnam, and eventually, this daddy got murdered by his second wife, for, well, your guess is mine.

This guy, my friend’s husband, is classic broken arrogant white boy, football player, up to a point footballer, and college fraternity type. A real hatred of women and triple hatred of true liberal thinking. Borish, know it all, and it is amazing, still, for me, after decades dealing with domestic violence in many forms in my various jobs, that anyone of her caliber would see anything attractive about him.

In a Central American country, as someone with some money from his old man’s death, murdered by his stepmother, this abuser had gotten the royal treatment of a king in this place, as he had the money to throw around/away . . . money for booze . . . and he looked down on the Spanish speakers, and his six-foot frame towered over the Mayan-derived people. The ex-pat communities in other countries are sour and sick and harmful to the cultures and countries. Perfect audience for guys like this abuser.

The white guy — the Yanqui — who had disposable money and time — got a pass from the poor people of these third world countries. Happens all the time.


Abuse is not a mental illness nor is it caused by a mental illness. Many individuals who live with mental health issues do not abuse their partners.

  • Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This presents as a lack of empathy, constant seeking of validation, arrogance or grandiose behavior. Narcissists will belittle others to appear superior, exaggerate their talents and monopolize conversations to make others feel inferior. 
  • Borderline Personality Disorder. This mental health disorder, once again, doesn’t cause abuse, but its traits can certainly perpetuate abusive choices. Borderline personality disorder is defined by self-image issues, difficulty managing emotions or behaviors, an intense fear of abandonment or instability, frequent mood swings, impulsiveness and inappropriate anger.  
  • Psychopathy. A person defined as a psychopath feels no guilt, shame or remorse. More concerning, a psychopath’s brain actually shows an increased response in the ventral striatum, an area known to be involved in pleasure, when imagining others in pain, reports ScienceDaily
  • Antisocial Personality Disorder. This is sometimes called sociopathy. These individuals share many similar traits to psychopaths—feeling no remorse, not understanding the difference between right and wrong—and also like the feeling of dominating others and having power and control. Unlike psychopathy, which is thought to be genetic, sociopaths are made through a traumatic event in their past. “Sociopaths can be predators, so you may naturally feel uncomfortable being alone with them,” says Bill Eddy, licensed clinical social worker. “You may suddenly get the feeling that you want to get out of a situation. Go, and ask questions later. (source)

“Maya Angelou once said, ‘When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.’ If we think about that in the context of potential abusive partners, then we need to look no further than some of the words they choose to speak.”

These fellows are manipulative and mean, but know how to cover up all of that hatred in public situations. But not for long. This fellow ordered the book, Rape of the Mind, and listened to the anti-women podcasters of the day. He called women bitches and cunts. Worse. He was/is two-faced. He would never listen to this fellow:

Ted Bunch, the co-founder of A Call to Men, says one of the keys to pulling men and boys out of the dangerous pipeline of misogyny is to understand where it starts. A Call to Men partners with schools, companies and professional sports organizations to promote what it calls “healthy masculinity:” concepts like kindness, respect for others, and an understanding that, in a patriarchal society, men have an opportunity to use their power to protect.

“(Misogyny) teaches men that aggression, violence, and the domination of others is somehow embedded in their DNA,” Bunch says. “It’s not. It is the way men are socialized. In a male-dominated patriarchal society, all are taught that women and girls have less value, or that on some level they are the property.” (source)

Now, the small rural county where I live and where I met the victim, and who is winding through the legal system, it is like so many other counties — mostly female judges, female DAs and ADAs, female victims rights workers, et al. The system is clogged with broken people’s issues, from substance abuse, to broken laws derived from the substance abuse — thieving, burglaring, motor vehicle citations, trespassing, and alas, the violence that comes with booze and hits of whatever drug is available.

My friend is not feeling great about all the busllshit she has gone through — the mother of the son, a warped human in her own right, doing her warped stuff showing up months ago from out of state at night, threatening her, and more crap, like threatening to take her dog away (a gift from the mother-in-law) to her.

This is how these people roll, these dysfunctional but sociopathic people work — it runs in the family, and they scam, do insurance fraud stuff, and so much more. This fellow has a record, and he’s squirmed out of other charges. He’s hoping to go to trial and intimidate the victim, his wife, who he attempted to kill by putting a pillow on her head and forcing his big body down onto her.

She is wondering what sort of personality she has developed over the years to have allowed her to stick with this abuser. She wonders what this battered wife syndrome is. She wonders why so many people even in the “system” have little understanding of how this abusive situation is complicated by a hundred different “things”, that the women are targeted, that the men are after so many power dynamics, and in fact, many would like to see their first kill of a woman.

A kill could be a suidice, too, whatever gets these guys off on pain and torment.

The Rape of the Mind: The Psychology of Thought Control, Menticide, and  Brainwashing by Joost A.M. Meerloo | Goodreads

In 1933 Meerloo began to study the methods by which systematic mental pressure brings people to abject submission, and by which totalitarians imprint their subjective “truth” on their victims’ minds. In “The Rape of the Mind” he goes far beyond the direct military implications of mental torture to describing how our own culture unobtrusively shows symptoms of pressurizing people’s minds. He presents a systematic analysis of the methods of brainwashing and mental torture and coercion, and shows how totalitarian strategy, with its use of mass psychology, leads to systematized “rape of the mind.” He describes the new age of cold war with its mental terror, verbocracy, and semantic fog, the use of fear as a tool of mass submission and the problem of treason and loyalty, so loaded with dangerous confusion. The “Rape of the Mind” is written for the interested layman, not only for experts and scientists. (source)

A rape of the mind, as in battered spouse perpetration, is not far from physical rape:

Men’s sexual aggression toward women is a pervasive problem in U.S. society. Between 25–57% of men report having perpetrated a sexually aggressive behavior against a woman since the age of 14 (Abbey, Jacques-Tiura, & LeBreton, 2011Abbey, McAuslan, & Ross, 1998Davis, Kiekel et al., 2012Koss, Gidycz, & Wisniewski, 1987White & Smith, 2004). These acts range from verbally coerced sexual contact to physically forced penetrative sex, with verbal coercion and the victim’s incapacitation the most commonly reported tactics. This wide range in prevalence rates has been explained by differences in the scope of tactics and types of sex included in the survey as well as the procedures used to insure participants’ privacy (Abbey, Parkhill, & Koss, 2005Tyler, Hoyt, & Whitbeck, 1998). Many of these acts do not fit legal definitions of sex crimes, and researchers avoid using language in their surveys that label these acts as crimes. Nonetheless, most of the studies cited above use phrases such as “when you knew she was unwilling.” Thus, when participants provide an affirmative response, they recognize that they made a woman engage in sex against her wishes. (source)

Look. There are hundreds of influencers and dozens of famous misogynists out there making a buck and recruiting millions in their fucking hate game. The guy my Canadian friend hooked up with is prime pickings for this hate. He has constantly put down women, and, yes, my Canadian friend is not that sort of warped woman, actually. She is independent, a feminist of sorts (more so NOW). How did she get wound around the guy’s pinky? Oh, what an evil web men weave, and it goes deep, real deep into patriarchy and pornograpy and perversion and war and toxic masculinity and blind patriotism and violence and cops and steroids and war TV-Video.

While espousing motivational messages about fitness and financial well-being, controversial influencer Andrew Tate is also a self-described misogynist who advocates male supremacy and celebrates violence against women. Even though he’s been banned from TikTok, Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube, he’s gained a massive online following from video clips posted by fans that garner millions of views and shares. On Twitter, he has more than 4 million followers.

The 36-year-old American-born, British-raised former kickboxing champion was arrested on December 29 in Bucharest, Romania, on charges of rape and human trafficking. Tate employed as many as 75 women in a webcam business; some have accused him of imprisoning them and forcing them to perform sex work. Many of his fans are expressing support for his plight, arguing that Tate is a positive force on men and that the Romanian government is trying to silence him for telling the truth. Tate has encouraged that view. As he was being led away in handcuffs, he could be heard telling cameras that “the Matrix has attacked me,” and he tweeted, “It seems every generation’s great revolutionaries suffer from unfair imprisonment.”

Andrew Tate, center, and his brother Tristan, leave after appearing at the Court of Appeal, in Bucharest, Romania, Tuesday, Jan.10, 2023. The divisive social media personality Andrew Tate arrived at a court in Romania in handcuffs on Tuesday morning to appeal a judge's earlier decision to extend his arrest period from 24 hours to 30 days on charges of being part of an organized crime group, human trafficking and rape.

Unfortunately, the Canadian’s country’s overlord, UK, is rife with misogyny, from the bars to the barristers:

Violent offenders who committed attacks in front of children, threatened victims with knives or were convicted of multiple offences are among those spared jail in recent months, according to court records for England and Wales.

The cases were prosecuted under a new law brought in last June that made strangulation and suffocation specific offences in the Domestic Abuse Act. Before the new offences were created, strangulation was often treated as common assault, which carries a maximum six-month sentence. Those convicted under the new law can be jailed for up to five years. (source)

So many thousands of studies on domestic abuse, and strangulation is a big one: “Non-fatal strangulation is an important risk factor for homicide of women”

So, this bloke’s defense attorney is court appointed, and I know where she went to law school. She is using some bullshit gold digger offense in his defense. My friend filed divorce proceedings when the fucker was in jail — three days afterward. You know, to get the healing ball going. Get the law to see that she is breaking ties with the fucker on all levels.

Just that action for the defense lawyer points in her mind that the charges filed against the accused (the cops filed the charges and the DA filed them in more legalistic perpetuity and the grand juror agreed to indict, so tthe victim had nothing to do with specific codes and penalties) were motivated by money?

This guy is a deadbeat, with bank accounts only in his name, and with the house in his name, and secret this and secret that, and money coming in from inheritence, this guy is not flush with cash. They are married, and he did all the things an abuser does to isolate a woman.

Again, the female defense attorney (court appointed, in private practice) is utilizing the stacked deck against the victim — for some sick reason, in this rule of law, Anglo Saxon based shit storm legal system, my friend can’t bring up past incidents of abuse by the guy, unless, I suppose, he takes the stand.

Then, ADA is not a ball buster, so there is that. One plea set out was prison time, five years, but then no counter plea from the defense, which in my mind tells me this guy’s doing his sway the jurors bit — thinking he can sway the jurors with his white man’s charm.

He wants to kill a woman. That’s what he said to my friend, and another person was on the phone with her and heard that statement from him. He loves these Tate fellows, and the other guys, who, Cohen, what have you. Pure hateful men.

This guy hates his mother, hates women in general, and he goes to bars and throws around money for rounds, and unfortunately, we are a broken country, dumb as hell, and that includes women, so many of them fall for this bullshit having some attention paid to their clevage or cute eyes from some pathetic pair of balls and a dick.

Feminism is a specific thing, and it’s anti war, anti capitalism really, so the flip side of the pigs out there are nanny freaks, who insist on any narrative outside their PC box to be censored. Does Tate get a green light since we are in that free speech mode? Algorithms here and there, and what the hell about real discourse?

This is not an aside: The Twitter Files: The Censorship Industrial Complex with Matt Taibbi. I am so against the flip side of Tate. The chlamydia capitalists on both sides of the bacterial manure pile of red-blue politics are both dangerous and fascist. Taibbi isn’t some redneck of misgynist. Take a look here:

But the point is that the judicial system accuses the accuser of lying, and the law hobbles a victim of domestic abuse. The restraining order she had to file against him and his family, more crap. The trial is coming up, but she has not been prepped, and word is she will a few hours the day before the trial starts.

Witnesses for the abuser could be drinking buddies who can say they never saw abuse while in the husband and wife’s company? That’s it in America, as a defense? Any fourth grader knows an abuser can charm on the outside, can hide their hate, in public, but then go irrate in private. That’s how it works.

Crime victim advocates are not all there, emotionally and chutzpah wise. The deputies are running around like chickens with heads cut off. Meth, booze, child abuse, theft, homelessness.

This punk thinks because he has some undergraduate degree and since he now has been off booze for six months (he is a total alcoholic, with liver disease, and more) that the jurors will see him as reformed? Time served in county lock-up? Lessons learned? Reformed? Rehabilitated? He has almost a dozen charges against him. He’s been in jail, with a big bond he never attempted to pay, because he doesn’t need much to survive . . . and he wants to run, flee. He has never had a legitimate job, and alas, there is a good chance he thinks he’ll get to run, and live off inheritence mullah, in a country with brown people, or anywhere his type is treated like a king on the outside but reviled on the inside.

I do know that the profile of an abuser with his past, his family line, his way of thinking doesn’t look good for restorative justice. He has a past relationship where the woman wanted/want nothing to do with him and his verbal abuse. One day when a woman gets out of a relationship and then out of the legal shit, she sees that it has been a nightmare, and she wonders how the fuck she could have been with THAT man for THAT long.

It’s C-PTSD, and in the end, many women never get into another relationship, and some get right back with those fucks who are targeting women who have been abused. The rest of their lives they do not trust almost anyone. Fear, anxiety, hyper vigilance, all of that, and counseling, so can we sue the fuck out of an ex=husband abuser?

The judicial system here and on the otherside of the pond kills those who come forth to report domestic abuse. “Offenders convicted under new law in England and Wales spared jail, analysis carried out by the Observer show.”

Profile of a woman looking out of a window between drawn curtains

This is not hyperbolic — “Behind the Veil: Inside the Mind of Men Who Abuse/ Domestic violence and unmasking the terror of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.” And this isn’t just pop-psychology: “How Abusers Speak: Listen for these words that could spell control, or much worse

How Abusers Speak

This story will be continued.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: